Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones time, baby!

So we start off with Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman) almost getting offed. She gets Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor), and…

McGregor escapes out of this pretty much unscathed. McGregor does do a good job and he is believable as young Alec Guinness.

…and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) as bodyguards. Zam Wesell (Leeanna Walsman) tries to off Padmé; but, Obi-Wan and Anakin stop her, and…

This portion of the film is Blade Runner redux and I haven’t even seen Blade Runner.

Anyway, Obi-Wan and Anakin try to get more information about Zam; but, Zam is offed. Obi-Wan is reassigned to bounty hunter finding duty.

We then get the infamous sand hatred scene and that soil has been tilled. 

Anakin and Padmé talk about Padmé’s ex, and…

Real life couples: Do you talk about your exs or is that a no-fly zone topic of conversation?

Anyway, we get to see Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid)’s influence on Anakin. Padme and Anakin frolic.

Padmé is all “I’m having dinner with a celibate monk/psychopath/hormonal teenager? Let me put on the most low-cut dress that I own!” Padmé and Anakin act like falling in love is like having a root canal.

We then reunite with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Kenobi finds out about a clone army and that Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison) is the model for the army. Obi-Wan (essentially) puts a tracking device on Jango’s ship. Obi-Wan then tracks Jango and Boba (Jango is Boba’s dad) (Daniel Logan) to Geonosis.

We then reunite with Anakin, who has been having troubling dreams about Shmi Skywalker (Anakin’s mom) (Pernilla August). Anakin and Padmé go to Tatooine. We find out that Cliegg Lars (Jack Thompson) bought, freed and married Shmi. We also find out that Tusken Raiders took Shmi. Anakin finds Shmi, Shmi dies and Anakin goes on a Tusken Raider-killing spree.

We then reunite with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan finds out that Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) and Nute Gunray (Silas Carson) are starting a Droid army. Dooku to Obi-Wan is all “Join us!” and Obi-Wan is all “Nah!” 

Padmé left Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) in charge. Jar Jar quickly puts Palpatine in charge, and…

George Lucas did that on purpose. You know that George Lucas did that on purpose.

Anyway, Padmé and Anakin catch up with Obi-Wan at Geonosis. Period pads is me and Anakin have to outwit an assembly line. The whole thing ends with Padmé, Obi-Wan and Anakin in an arena with animals after them. Natalie Portman’s outfit gets (conveniently) fanserviced. Yoda (Frank Oz), Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) and other Jedi serve as the calvary. Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen do have a fun callback to their aggressive negotiations/diplomatic solution conversation from earlier and, forgive me; but, Portman and Christensen (especially Portman) to appear to be having fun and almost acting natural during this scene.

This all leads up to an Anakin and Obi-Wan versus Count Dooku battle. Dooku severs one of Anakin’s arms. We get a Yoda versus Count Dooku battle, and…

This is The NeverEnding Ending.

…and Dooku gets away. We get a Darth Sidious tease. Padmé and Anakin get hitched, and…

1. Remember that episode of The Middle where Axl (Charlie McDermott) gets married just to spite his parents? The Padmé-Anakin wedding feels a lot like that.

2. The part of Padmé’s brain that put Jar Jar in charge was the same part that married Anakin.

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones. The Blade Runner stuff feels like a Star Wars movie that would’ve been rushed out in the late 1990s. I think that a lot of the problems with this movie could’ve been fixed with different actors, waiting for some of the actors to get older, better direction and/or script doctors/editors. This movie kind of felt like a slog and I think that something should’ve been cut. I just don’t know what. The Padmé-Anakin romance makes sense when you consider that Anakin is a teen and that he does not have that much romantic experience. Padmé is also a teen and she has not had that much romantic experience, either. However, their romance is still cheesy and not that fun to watch. McGregor and McDiarmid do make it out pretty much unscathed. I do have nostalgia for parts of this movie because I grew up with the prequel trilogy. I do think that there is a good story that is trying to crawl out of the prequel trilogy; however, a lot of things hamper it.

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