The Dark Knight Rises time.

 So we start off with a well-staged plane hijacking and we meet Bane (Tom Hardy). 

We then reunite with Batman/Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale), who is doing his best shut-in impression. We then meet Selina Kyle/Catwoman (Anne Hathaway), and…

I really like Anne Hathaway as Kyle/Catwoman.

Anyway, Alfred (Michael Caine) has Kyle deliver Bruce’s supper. Selina does so, she takes the necklace of Bruce’s mom, she beats up Bruce, she gets out of there and she gets herself a ride. Alfred turns into a mom from a Hallmark Channel movie and he tells Bruce that he hopes that he will settle down.

Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman) then meets with Officer John Blake (Joseph Gordon Levitt). We find out that a congressman went missing in action, that his wife is worried about him and that Blake is skeptical on the Batman killed Harvey Dent thing.

We find out that Selina is still with the congressman. Selina tries to do business with Bruce Wayne’s fingerprints and the whole thing ends with the cops coming to the bar where she is. Selina acts out the part of damsel-in-distress. Gordon goes into a sewer and the other cops are all “Dude! What an idiot!”

We find out that Bane is creating an army. Gordon manages to leave and Blake has Gordon go to the hospital. The other cops are skeptical on Gordon’s story except for Blake.

Blake pays a little visit to Bruce Wayne. We find out that Blake knows that Wayne is Batman and we get a little orphan trauma bonding unseen since the Baudelaires and the Quagmires.

Bruce snaps out of his funk and he visits Gordon. We find out that Wayne Enterprises is in financial trouble because of Bruce’s Bella Swan-ing. We then find out that Bruce created a clean energy project that can be turned into a bomb (happens to the best of us, Brucie). Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) encourages the involvement of Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard).

Bane goes after the Gotham Stock Exchange and we get a chase scene with Bane, Bane’s goons and Batman. The cops are all “Pfft! Bane! Let’s get Batman!”; but, Batman is able to get away.

Selina is stealing from Daggett and we discover that she wants the Clean Slate from him (the Clean Slate is kinda like getting a record expunged). Daggett finds Selina, Batman helps her and Selina gives Batman the Batman treatment.

Alfred wants Bruce to give up the Batman life, and…

This makes no sense. Alfred in The Dark Knight was all “The Joker? Pfft! You must persevere, Master Bruce!”

Anyway, Alfred reveals the truth about Rachel Dawes (yes, she was played by two actresses) and Bizarro Alfred leaves.

We find out that Wayne Enterprises is about to go to Daggett; so, Bruce transfers control to Miranda. Miranda and Bruce have er… ice cream and I swear that the following conversation actually happened when I was in high school:

My dad (comes into the room at the moment when Christian Bale and Marion Cotillard are snuggling): What are you watching?

Me: The Dark Knight Rises.

(Dad, without missing a beat): He certainly does!

Anyway, post-ice cream session, Batman is taken by Selina to Bane. However, Bane beats and imprisons Batman. We find out that a child made a prison break and Bruce starts therapy.

Bane traps some cops in a sewer. He bomb threats Gotham and he reveals the truth about Harvey Dent. 

Bruce is trying to climb out of the prison, and…

This one time in high school, I had to climb a fake rock wall and I sucked at it. Bruce sucks at it slightly less than I do; but, he is able to make a prison break.

We then get a cops versus Bane’s henchmen battle and a Bane versus Batman battle. It turns out that Miranda is Talia, Ra’s al Ghul’s daughter. It turns out that Bane and Miranda have a connection, and…

What is the Bane-Miranda relationship, exactly? Surrogate parent? Friends? Jacob-Renesmee?

Anyway, Talia tries to go through with the bomb; but, she winds up dying, and…

Even my mom made fun of Talia’s sudden death.

…and Batman pulls a Captain America. We find out that Blake is Robin and that he is Batman heir apparent.

We then find out that Bruce is acting out the end of a Hallmark Channel movie with Selina.

While (by default) not as epic as The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises is still a good conclusion to the Dark Knight Trilogy.

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