The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 time, baby!

So we start off with Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) getting hitched. Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is worried that Bella will get hurt when she and Edward have er… ice cream on their wedding night, and…

No jokes, please.

Anyway, we then get Bella’s hilarious pre-sex montage. Bella and Edward have er… ice cream. We find out that Edward bruised Bella during sex, and…

Bella, sweetie? Leave before Edward kills you.

Anyway, Bella to Doctor Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli) is all “Doc! I think that I’m preggers!” Doc Cullen confirms. Edward is all “I saw The Fly and I’m getting flashbacks to the Geena Davis giving birth to a maggot scene”; however, Bella and Rosalie Hale (Nikki Reed) want Bella to have the child. Jacob is all “I saw The Fly as well and I’m also getting flashbacks to the Geena Davis giving birth to a maggot scene”; but, Bella is staying firm. The werewolves are all “We saw The Fly as well and we are also getting flashbacks to the Geena Davis giving birth to a maggot scene” and this causes tension with Jacob.

Bella starts drinking blood (my favorite drink). 

Anyway, Edward, Jacob and Rosalie are stuck on Doctor duty because Carlisle is making a blood run. Bella has a C-section. Bella names the baby Renesmee (Rey sees me/Rey is me). Bella “dies.” Edward’s reaction to Bella’s demise makes me think that he is constipated. Jacob decides to engage in a little casual baby murder to avenge Bella’s death; however, he decides to imprint on Kylo Ren is me instead, and…

…

…

…

Jacob is a pedophile.

Anyway, on that lovely note, Bella lives and we get a nice ending shot of her eyes.

Post-credits (is this a Marvel movie?):

Volturi tease for the next movie.

Unless you are a fan of the franchise, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 is boring and easy to make fun of. The acting seemed a little better this time (maybe I’m developing Stockholm syndrome for the Twilight franchise? I hope not.) The film is one part Bella and Edward kidnapping you and dragging you on their honeymoon and one part Geena Davis in The Fly redux. Plus, some of the messages are terrible and very, very uncomfortable.

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