The Twilight Saga: Eclipse time, baby!

So we start off with Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) going after Riley (Xavier Samuel). Victoria wants to start a vampire army.

 We then reunite with Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), who is having reservations about marrying Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is all “Bella! I love you!”

Rosalie Hale (Nikki Reed) has reservations about Bella being turned into a vampire. Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) is starting to get an inkling of Victoria’s army. Bella sees Jasper Hale (Jackson Rathbone) and Alice in action and Bella is all “I kinda want to marry Edward.” Jacob is upset by this revelation and Bella is all “I kinda love Jacob.” Bella to Edward is all “I love Jacob; but, I love you more” and Edward is (strangely) pacified by this.

Edward offs Victoria and Jacob becomes battle damage. The Cullens try to help a fresh vampire; but, the Volturi are more sadistic than that. Bella tries to get the Volturi off her back and to Jacob she (Bella) is all “I love Edward.”

We end with Bella and Edward prepping to break the engagement news to Charlie (Billy Burke). 

There are some self-aware moments (Jacob referring to himself as more attractive than Edward and Edward referencing Jacob’s shirt allergy); but, unless you are a fan of the franchise, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is boring and easy to make fun of.

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