Madame Web time, baby!

 So we start off in 1973 in Peru. Constance Webb (Kerry Bishé) is preggers and she finds a spider with weird X-Men healing potential. Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) wants the spider; so, he shoots Constance and abandons her. A tribe tries to save her; however, Constance kicks the bucket soon after she delivers Cassandra Webb.

Years pass. Cassandra “Cassie” Webb (Dakota Johnson)…

No Fifty Shades jokes, please.

…is a paramedic. Ben Parker (Adam Scott) and O’Neil (Mike Epps) are also paramedics. Cassie almost kicks the bucket. O’Neil is offed and Cassie realizes that she has powers.

Ezekiel believes that Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced) and Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor) will off him. Cassie abducts the girls as a precautionary measure; however, the girls wind up going to a diner. Cassie rescues Julia, Anya and Mattie from Ezekiel and they use Ben’s place as a hideout.

We transition to Peru. The tribal chief that helped Cassie’s mom has Cassie go through a process and we find out that Constance was trying to stop Cassie from having an illness. Mary Parker (Emma Roberts) goes into labor; so, Ben has to get her to the hospital and he brings Julia, Anya and Mattie along. Ezekiel goes after the girls, Cassie saves the girls and she allows Ben and Mary to get away. There is a showdown in a fireworks factory and Cassie arranges for a helicopter; but, Ezekiel gets rid of the helicopter. Ezekiel brings up Constance’s death because Villain Manipulation 101.

Pepsi offs Ezekiel (I’ve heard of weirder ways to die). Cassie winds up blind, paralyzed and rather nonchalant about all of this, and…

I feel like Little House on the Prairie would’ve gotten two episodes out of this… at least. Plus, they would’ve thrown in a morphine addiction for good measure.

Mary gives birth to Peter. Julia, Anya and Mattie become Cassie’s surrogate family and we get a tease for a Madame Web sequel/universe that (probably) will not happen and said tease involves recycled footage from one of the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies (Spider-Man 2?).

Sidebar/Salad Bar 1: In my review of The Amazing Spider-Man, I said that their version of the “With great power comes great responsibility” speech sounded like a high schooler trying to copy part of a Wikipedia page for a homework assignment or paper without getting caught. Or, it sounded like a high schooler or a college student trying to paraphrase a citation for a homework assignment or paper without getting hit with a plagiarism charge. I stand by that sentiment for Madame Web.

Sidebar/Salad Bar 2: 

Madame Web: “We don’t have Coke. Is Pepsi okay?”

Dakota Johnson’s acting ranges from a good performance to struggling with her acting to acting tired to acting like she does not want to be there to auditioning for ASMR. Julia, Anya and Mattie are your stereotypical teenage characters. You do not buy the bond between Julia, Anya and Mattie and you do not buy the bond that Cassie has with Julia, Anya and Mattie. Some of the script is wonky and some moments make you feel that the writer was trying to create a so bad it’s good movie. Some of the editing is slightly better than the editing for Snarky Movie Robot. Production was (apparently) a nightmare. However, I do believe that Madame Web is underrated. I have seen far worse superhero movies and far worse movies. I have also seen far better superhero movies. It felt like they were trying to do something different with this (it also felt like a manufactured superhero movie… somehow all at the same time). I am a Spider-Man fan; so, I appreciated the Spider-Man references. I also appreciate the Spider-Women because I grew up with Mary Jane Watson in the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies and I never wanted to be Mary Jane Watson as a kid. I also appreciated that the final battle did not turn into a half-hour long CGI fest. Adam Scott gives a decent performance as young Uncle Ben.

Charity Spotlight: American Near East Refugee Aid (ANERA) 

American Near East Refugee Aid (ANERA) Website:

Anera

My Ko-Fi: 

ko-fi.com/snarkymovierobot