Is Penelope any good?

Let’s find out:

 Once upon a time, Clara fell in love with Ralph Wilhern and she became pregnant by him. However, Ralph’s family disapproved; so, Ralph married somebody else. Clara offs herself, and…

That got morbid real fast.

Anyway, Clara’s witchy mom (who looks like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly) hexes the Wilherns so that the next Wilhern daughter will have a pig’s face and Beauty and the Beast redux. Fortunately for the Wilherns and unfortunately for Clara, the Wilherns tend to be male-dominant… until Franklin (Richard E. Grant) and Jessica Wilhern ( Catherine O’Hara). Jessica pops out Penelope and Jessica does her best impression of Geena Davis during the maggot birth scene in The Fly. Jessica tells people that Penelope died as an infant, and…

By George, this thing is morbid.

Anyway, Penelope grows into Christina Ricci. Penelope’s mom is all “Beauty and the Beast redux” and she turns into a Hallmark Channel parent. However, suitors (including Edward Humphrey Vanderman III (Simon Woods)) jump out of a window upon seeing Penelope’s face. Edward teams up with paparazzi Lemon/Lemony Snicket (Peter Dinklage). Edward and Lemon have Max Campion (James McAvoy) be a suitor for Penelope in a Princess Diaries 2/Crimson Peak-style plot.

Penelope and Max have conversations through a one-way mirror. Max is not that shocked by Penelope’s face. Max decides not to do business with Lemon and Edward; but, Jessica finds out about it. Penelope proposes; but, Max turns her down.

Penelope is tired of being a shut-in; so, she uses a scarf as a Clark Kent disguise and she sells photos to Lemon. However, Penelope’s parents see her; so, she goes to a bar, she faints, Annie (Reese Witherspoon) takes Penelope’s scarf and Penelope finds people who love her for who she is.

Edward’s dad pressures Edward into marrying Penelope. Lemon finds out that Max Campion (Nick Frost) is doing time for armed robbery and he finds out that the James McAvoy Max Campion is Johnny Martin, and…

This movie is trying to give me a migraine.

Anyway, Penelope decides to love herself instead of marrying Edward. This breaks the curse, and…

Penelope did Frozen before Frozen did Frozen.

Penelope becomes an elementary school horticulture teacher and her five minutes of fame are over. Penelope and Johnny run into each other at a Halloween party. Johnny is unaware of the Frozen plot twist, Johnny and Penelope kiss and Penelope reveals the Frozen plot twist to Johnny.

Jake (butler for the Wilherns) (Michael Feast) turns out to be the witch and the witch puts a brief silence spell on Jessica. Lemon tries to get a photo of Frozen plot twist Penelope; however, he decides to be a decent human being once he sees Penelope and Johnny together.

I had a hard time rating this movie. There are good parts, parts felt like a black comedy, parts dragged, some parts were not my cup of tea, there are some funny moments, some parts did not land, it feels like a fairy tale for adults and it is unique.

Charity Spotlight: The Y (National Office)

This organization is devoted to helping kids.

The Y (National Office) Website:

https://www.ymca.org/

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