Is The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes any good?

Let’s find out: 

So we start off by meeting Coriolanus “Coryo” Snow (Tom Blyth). Core Anus wants to mentor a 10th Annual Hunger Games tribute. Core Anus wants the Plinth Prize scholarship. Sejanus Plinth (Josh Andrés Rivera) is Anti-Hunger Games.

Core Anus gets District 12 tribute Lucy Gray Baird (Rachel Zegler, playing Sissy Spacek in Coal Miner’s Daughter). Lucy shoves a snake down Mayfair (Mayor Lipp’s daughter)  (Isobel Jesper Jones)’s dress, and…

Is that a snake in your dress or, are you just happy to see me?

…and singing during the reaping ceremony. The tributes are put into a human zoo. Core Anus visits Lucy. Arachne Crane (Lilly Cooper) is offed when her tribute gets tired of Crane’s taunting. The tribute goes all Carrie White on Crane, and…

Sissy Spacek, stop haunting this review.

Anyway, Casca Highbottom (the creator of the Hunger Games) (Peter Dinklage) is upset about Core Anus’ success.

Core Anus suggests sponsoring tributes and Dr. Volumnia Gaul (Viola Davis) hears about it. Clemensia Dovecote (Ashley Liao) takes credit for the idea, and…

(Sighs)

Literally every group project in school ever.

However, Dr. Gaul disproves Clementine’s claim by having the homework assignment in an area filled with snakes. Since the snakes are accustomed to the smell of the homework assignment, Dr. Gaul makes Clementine stick her hand into where the snakes are. The snake’s go after Clementine in what is (no doubt) the most extreme version of Turnitin ever.

Bombs explode in the arena. Lucy saves Core Anus, Core Anus gives Lucy rat poison and Code Anus shows Lucy a place she can hide. Lucy uses this to her advantage for her and Jessup (Nick Benson). Sejanus sneaks into the arena so that he can grieve Marcus (Jerome Lance). Dr. Gaul sends Core Anus in after Sejanus. A tribute goes after This Is Us and Core Anus; so, Core Anus is forced to off the tribute.

Felix Ravinstill (Aamer Husain) is offed. Gaul pours snakes into the arena; but, Core Anus is giving Gaul a taste of her own medicine; so, Gaul names Lucy Gray victor. Cascade High-as-a-Bottom lets Core Anus know that he knows about the rat poison and the snake thing. Highbottom gives Core Anus twenty years’ Peacekeeper service. Core Anus arranges to be transferred to District 12 and Sejanus decides to go with him.

Lucy Gray and the Covey are performing at a bar. Lucy and Core Anus reunite. Core Anus and Lucy Gray go swimming and they film an  Abercrombie & Fitch commercial. Core Anus is scheduled to be sent to District 2. Sejanus becomes involved with the rebels and Core Anus lets Gaul know about Sejanus.

Sejanus has a meeting with Spruce (George Somner), Billy Taupe (Lucy’s former love interest) (Dakota Shapiro) and Wayfair. Core Anus stumbles upon this meeting. Core Anus offs Mayfair and Spruce offs Billy. Spruce and Sejanus are hung.

Core Anus and Lucy go on the lam. Core Anus is all “I might have had a hand in Sejanus’ death.” Core Anus finds Exhibit A. Lucy is worried about her safety with Core Anus. Lucy goes to the store to get milk. Core Anus discovers a snake in Lucy’s scarf, and…

Is that a snake in your scarf or, are you just happy to see me?

Anyway, Core Anus tries to injure/kill Lucy. It is unclear if Lucy:

1. She died.

2. She got lost.

3. Someone from the Capitol captured/killed Lucy.

4. Lucy abandoned Core Anus.

5. Lucy became Katniss’ grandma.

6. Core Anus offed Lucy.

Core Anus gets rid of Exhibit A. Core Anus returns to District 12. Core Anus expects to be brought to District 2; but, Gaul gives Core Anus a pardon, a ticket back to the Capitol and a scholarship to Capitol University. Sejanus’ parents name Core Anus heir apparent. 

We find out that the Hunger Games was a drunk idea from Highbottom and that Crassus Snow pushed the games forward. Highbottom loathed the Hunger Games and he turned to morphling to deal with it. We end with Core Anus high-bottoming Highbottom (in other words, he poisons Highbottom). 

The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes is a good Hunger Games movie. It is a bit of a slog; but, we complained about Mockingjay being two parts; so, the powers that be cannot make us happy. It would’ve been nice to see more of Snow’s trademark sadism. Tom Blyth does fine as Snow. Actors taking on a previous actor’s role in a franchise have a tough job because they do not want to just copy what the previous actor (in this case, Donald Sutherland) did; but, they do not want to stray too far from it, either. This is going to sound weird; but, Blyth reminded me of a mid-tier to upper mid-tier Hallmark Channel movie lead. The Coriolanus-Lucy relationship felt rushed.

Sidebar/Salad bar: Jason Schwartzman is fun as  Lucretius “Lucky” Flickerman.

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