The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 time, baby!

 So we start off with Bella Swan Cullen (Kristen Stewart) being all “Ew! I almost wound up with a pedophile!” on the Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner)/Smee situation.

Charlie (Billy Burke) worries about Bella’s health and Doctor Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli) worries about his family.

Jacob goes to see Charlie. Jacob starts stripping, and…

Have you ever been at the movie theater with your parents, you and your parents are seeing a PG-13 or R-rated movie, a sex scene starts and your options are:

1. Pray for the actors to hurry up.

2. Pray that the characters are interrupted.

3. Pray that they cut to another scene.

4. Develop an intense interest in your popcorn.

5. Develop an intense interest in the movie theater decor.

6. Duck out to the bathroom.

7. Duck out to the concessions stand.

Billy Burke is bringing that energy during Jacob’s striptease.

Anyway, Jacob reveals his true form (not in THAT way). Charlie gets to meet Reese Witherspoon. 

However, the Volturi are uneasy about Renée Zellweger (no offense intended to Renée Zellweger… in the unlikely event that Renée Zellweger reads Snarky Movie Robot). Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) is all “Dude! We have to fend off the Volturi!” The Cullens to Aro (Michael Sheen) are all “Dude! Esmé Squalor is not a threat!”

However, the Volturi off Irina (Maggie Grace). We then get a battle where Carlisle, members of the Volturi, some Cullens, some werewolves and Aro is offed, and…

I’m liking this movie now.

However, this turns out to be a threat from Alice. This, combined with more proof that Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) is okay makes Aro give up. 

We then find out that Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) is a Jacob/Renesmee shipper, and…

Dude, you are the only one on Earth. Hardcore Twilight fans don’t even ship those two.

We end with discovering that Bella made Edward a montage AND that she set it to Christina Perri music (that was so sweet of Bella).

Unless you are a fan of the franchise, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is boring, easy to make fun of and has terrible messages. The battle scene is fun.

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