The Twilight Saga: New Moon time, baby!

So we start off with Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) dreaming about Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson)’s Peter Pan Syndrome. 

A paper cut makes a Cullen go after Bella; so, Edward breaks things off with Bella. Bella gets upset. She breaks the rules of common sense and stranger danger and she goes on a ride with a biker. Bella finds out that suicidal/dangerous activities make her see Edward. She starts doing these activities, and…

Hey, parents! Did your daughter recently break-up with Johnny? Did you know that her relationship with Johnny was going to last for thirty seconds; but, your daughter heard wedding bells? Then, show her a film about an unstable teenager who is trying to kill/injure herself so that she can see her ex-boyfriend/guilt her ex-boyfriend into taking her back. Your daughter may wind up severely injured/in the hospital/dead; but, her thirty-second relationship with Johnny will have made it all worth it, right? Right?

Anyway, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) supports Bella. Jacob cuts his hair and he gets a tattoo. In the grand tradition of Bella’s life sucking, Jacob also bails on her. A vampire who has a grudge against Edward goes after Bella; but, Jacob saves her life. We discover that Jacob is a werewolf, and…

Sounds like a sitcom worthy of My Mother the Car.

…and that the Cullens and Jacob’s family still have a Hatfield and McCoy thing going on; but, that things are decent for right now.

Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) mistakenly believes that Bella killed herself. Edward tries to commit assisted suicide using the Volturi. When this fails, Edward decides to reveal his vampire nature/kill himself/go streaking. Bella stops Edward from doing this. The Volturi go after Bella, Edward goes after the Volturi and Bella offers to die in Edward’s place. This causes a change in the Volturi and they encourage Bella to become a vampire.

The Hatfield and McCoy thing is stirred up again. Edward is all “Bella, if you want to become a vampire, we have to get hitched” and Bella is all “No… maybe.”

Unless you are a fan of the franchise, The Twilight Saga: New Moon is boring, has terrible messages and is easy to make fun of.

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