Does Crimson Peak hold up?

Let’s find out:

So we start off by meeting Edith Cushing. Edith’s mom passes and ghost mom does not put on a clean dress or makeup before she visits Edith; so, Edith is (naturally) perturbed.

Years pass. Edith is now played by Mia Wasikowska. Edith spends her days dealing with Snobby McSnooberbutts (namely the Baronet Thomas Sharpe (eventually Tom Hiddleston)-obsessed Eunice (Emily Coutts) and Eunice’s mom Mrs. McMichael (Leslie Hope)). Edith also spends her days trying to publish her ghost story and she (eventually) becomes smitten with Thomas, much to the chagrin of her father, Carter Cushing (Jim Beaver).

Dance time! Thomas picks Edith, and…

This is a dark version of the Cinderella Story because Edith is vying with socialites for a dashing man. Only, in this version, you do not want Prince Charming to pick you.

Anyway, we then meet Alan McMichael (Charlie Hunnam). Alan will be our Viscount Raoul de Chagny for this evening. He is an opthamologist. He keeps ghost paraphernalia in his office and I’m sure that Dr. McMichael’s patients are not concerned by this AT ALL.

We then meet Lucille Sharpe (a campy Jessica Chastain). She is Thomas’ sister and she is giving off major serial killer vibes; but, Edith barely notices.

Anyway, Carter blackmails Thomas into stopping the relationship. Thomas gives a negative review of Edith’s work and his review of Edith’s work sounds like a typical review of my blog. However, Carter is (conveniently) Psycho‘d to death; so, Edith and Thomas get hitched.

We discover that Groundskeeper Willie is tending the Sharpe grounds. We also discover that Allerdale Hall (the Sharpe family home)/the home from the opening of Tales from the Crypt is falling apart. Edith (somehow) makes it through a night there and we discover that Thomas and Lucille’s mom is an evil version of Grandma Walton from The Waltons.

Lucille is all “Hey, sister-in-law! Want to read the Kama Sutra with me?,” and…

If you bond with your in-laws by reading the Kama Sutra, please stop reading this review and get yourself into therapy.

Anyway, our weird activities with the Sharpes continue as Edith and Thomas get turned on by dolls that look like Chucky’s long-lost cousins. The two start to have er… ice cream… while Chucky’s long-lost cousins watch; however, Lucille (conveniently and thankfully) interrupts this strange activity.

While all this has been going on, Edith has been wandering the halls with Lumière and been being chased by ghosts.

Edith and Thomas get (conveniently) snowed in somewhere and we get some Tom Hiddleston fanservice.

Edith and Thomas return, Lucille figures out that they had er… ice cream… and she (Lucille) gets enraged. Edith (conveniently) discovers recordings of Thomas’ past wives and she’s all “So I Married an Axe Murderer…”

Edith tries to leave; however, a snowstorm and her increasingly poor health stop her. We find out from Lucille that Thomas and Lucille’s father was abusive towards their mother. Thomas has started to fall for Edith; so, he tries to reason with Lucille.

While this is going on, Alan has figured out what is going on and he comes for Edith. Edith has started to cough up blood and I’m pretty sure that that is what convinced one of my grandfathers to quit smoking. Edith discovers Lucille with her hand down Thomas’ pants, and…

Edith just stumbled onto the bad portion of Reddit.

Anyway, Alan tries to make nice with the Sharpes. When this fails, he exposes them, Lucille stabs Alan and she has Thomas stab Alan; however, not to her knowledge, Thomas gave Alan a fighting chance and he hides the doctor.

Lucille tries to get Edith to sign over the Cushing fortune to the Sharpes. Lucille almost succeeds until she gloats that she killed Carter and Edith is all “Hey, Lucille? Remember that scene in The Lion King where Simba has no strength and it looks like Scar is going to win; but, Scar reveals that he killed Mufasa and Simba (suddenly) gains a second wind?” and Lucille is all “Crap!”

Thomas burns the transfer the fortune to the Sharpes paperwork. Thomas is all “There is enough of me to please you and Edith, Lucille;” however, Lucille does not want to hear this; so, she offs Thomas.

Lucille and Edith then have a fight that looks like a really intense version of two girls in elementary school duking it out on the school playground over a boy. However, ghost Thomas helps Edith; so, Edith shovels Lucille.

Alan and Edith leave Allerdale Hall and Edith publishes her novel.

Crimson Peak is a good gothic horror movie with good performances and good writing.

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