Does The Phantom of the Opera hold up?

Let’s find out: 

So we start off by attending an auction at an opera house in Paris in 1919. We then meet the Viscount Raoul de Chagny (Patrick Wilson), and…

Patrick Wilson is one of the better Raouls.

Anyway, Raoul is bidding against Madame Giry (Miranda Richardson), and…

Miranda Richardson is one of the better Madame Girys.

…Raoul is bidding against Madame Giry for a monkey music box. We then get the chandelier and we go back to 1870.

We then meet Carlotta (a fun and campy Minnie Driver, knowing and realizing that she is in a Joel Schumacher movie). We then meet Christine Daaé (Emmy Rossum) and we discover that her and Raoul have a past. We then meet Richard Firmin (Ciarán Hinds) and Gilles André (Simon Callow). Christine sings “Think of Me.”

Christine runs into Meg Giry (Jennifer Ellison), and…

Jennifer Ellison is one of the better Meg Girys.

…and we get “Angel of Music.” Christine and Raoul reunite and we get “”Little Lotte.” We then meet the phantom (Gerard Butler), and…

(Deep breath)

1. Yes, Butler’s singing does kind of resemble a dying cat (ironically enough, I read somewhere that Andrew Lloyd Webber loved Butler’s singing and thought that it fit the tone of the musical.

2. I don’t know if the crew wanted to keep Butler hot or if the movie studio wanted to keep Butler hot; but, guys? It is the phantom of the opera. You should have made him ugly and you could’ve made him ugly with makeup, etc.

3. Butler as the phantom looks like Eddie Munster and that is unnecessarily distracting.

4. That being said, I do think that Butler tries with the role. I just think that he is miscast.

Anyway, we then get “The Phantom of the Opera,” “The Music of the Night,” and “Stranger Than You Dreamt It.” We then get “Notes…” We then get “Prima Donna,” and…

“Prima Donna” is kind of like a female-centric “Gaston” from Beauty and the Beast.

We then get “Il Muto/Poor Fool, He Makes Me Laugh” as Carlotta tries to re-assert her power. However, the phantom makes things turn in Christine’s favor. However, things do not go in Christine’s favor when the phantom goes all Banana Splits Movie during the show on Joseph Buquet (Kevin McNally).

We then get “All I Ask of You” and Christine and Raoul get together. Christine and Raoul get engaged, we get “Masquerade,” we get “Why So Silent…?” and we discover that the phantom is not that happy about Christine and Raoul’s engagement.

We then discover that Madame Giry saved the phantom from a freak show when she was a kid, and…

Madame Giry is Christine’s surrogate mother. Madame Giry and the phantom are about the same age in the flashback. Wouldn’t that make the phantom old enough to be Christine’s father? Ew…

(Shudders)

(Shudders)

(Shudders)

Okay, on with the review (shudders).

Christine is all “I’m going to visit my father’s grave? Let me put on the most low-cut dress that I own” and we get “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again.” We get “Wandering Child,” Raoul intervenes and Gerard Butler does his best Tom Hiddleston impression.

Raoul decides to use Christine to bait the phantom, and…

That sounded worse than I intended.

…and we get “Don Juan Triumphant.” The phantom kills Ubaldo Piangi (Victor McGuire). We then get “The Point of No Return,” and…

It’s a song about sex

That won’t get us into trouble with the MPAA 

-or-

I’m about ready to pull a Michael Caine in Miss Congeniality and tell Christine and the phantom not to have relations on the stage.

Anyway, things take a turn when Christine literally and figuratively unmasks the phantom. The phantom kidnaps her, we get the chandelier, a fire starts in the opera house and Raoul goes after Christine. The phantom makes Christine wear a wedding dress (that’s not creepy at all) and Christine is all “It wouldn’t matter to me if you looked like Gerard Butler. You’ve killed people.”

Raoul arrives and the phantom wants to kill him because he is the other love interest, and…

That is one way of stopping a love triangle.

…but Christine stops this by kissing the phantom. The phantom is all “Christine, your kiss can stop murderers” and he lets Christine and Raoul go. The phantom then has a mirror-smashing good time before he leaves. Meg comes and is like “Where did everyone go?”

We then flashforward to 1919. Raoul visits Christine’s grave, he finds out that the phantom is still stalking her and that the phantom is (hopefully) not practicing necrophilia with Christine’s corpse.

Guys, this is an uneven The Phantom of the Opera adaptation. Wilson, Driver, Richardson and Ellison are good. Rossum is good (especially factoring in the fact that she was high school age at the time). Butler is miscast. The cinematography ranges from Hallmark movie to gorgeous. Parts of the movie drag (Raoul gets trapped in a water trap while trying to rescue Christine from the phantom. This part lasts for an eternity and I felt like I was the one who was drowning). Still a better love story than Love Never Dies (in that musical, love should’ve died).

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