Let’s take a look at Spider-Man 3:

 So we start off by reuniting with Peter Parker/Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire). Harry Osborn (James Franco), Peter’s best friend, transforms into the New Goblin. 

Peter comes across the symbiote.

We then meet Flint Marko (Thomas Haden Church), a criminal who is concerned about Penny Marko (Perla Haney-Jardine). Penny is Flint’s sick daughter, and…

This portion of Spider-Man 3 does work.

Anyway, Harry Overboards himself, and…

I have a theory that James Franco was high for most of the filming of this.

Anyway, Flint turns into the Sandman. We then meet Eddie Brock (Topher Grace), and…

Topher Grace is always being cast as the rom-com lead/Venom and, no offense to Topher Grace; but, I see him more as the smarmy jerk type of character (the ex-boyfriend in a rom-com, for example).

Anyway, Spider-Man saves Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard). Gwen kisses Spider-Man, Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) sees this, and…

I felt like Mary Jane Watson would have worked better in this movie as an extended cameo (if Dunst would’ve agreed to it) or if they would’ve given her superpowers.

Peter tries to propose to Mary Jane and it goes about as well as you would expect.

We then find out that Flint Marko killed Uncle Ben, and…

I hate retcons.

Anyway, Peter goes on a rampage of revenge and he becomes Hot Topic Peter Parker.

Mary Jane decides to rekindle her romance with Harry, and…

I hate this subplot.

1. Harry and Mary Jane were over after the Thanksgiving dinner in the first movie. To quote one of my dad’s friends, this is tilling old soil/re-tilling old soil.

2. It would’ve made more sense to focus on John Jameson (Daniel Gillies) from the second movie. Mary Jane and John’s relationship was more recent, John could’ve been Venom and he would’ve had a reason to hate Peter.

Harry gets his memory back and he makes Mary Jane break up with Peter. Peter beats Harry up in retaliation. Eddie Brock tries to sell a photoshopped picture of Spider-Man to The Daily Bugle; but, Peter stops him.

We then get the Peter Parker strut, and…

Thirteen-year-old me is cringing so hard right now. Current me is cringing right now.

Anyway, Peter starts dating Gwen. He flaunts it in front of Mary Jane, we get Tobey Maguire’s dancing audition tape for something, and…

Thirteen-year-old me is cringing so hard right now. Current me is cringing right now.

Anyway, Gwen leaves Peter and Peter hits Mary Jane. Peter decides to get rid of the symbiote and the symbiote lands on Eddie, who is asking God to kill Peter Parker, and…

Uh, Eddie? Church/God/religion does not work that way.

Eddie teams up with Flint and the two kidnap proverbial damsel-in-distress Mary Jane Watson. Harry’s butler tells Harry the truth about Norman’s death, and…

You would think that Harry’s butler would do this in Spider-Man 2 when Harry was obsessing and staying up late at night.

Anyway, we get a Spider-Man vs. Sandman vs. Venom battle. Harry comes by to help; however, he winds up dying. Spider-Man is able to save Mary Jane from probably the least dangerous taxi ride that she will ever go on. Venom dies and Flint and Peter reconcile.

Harry gets a funeral. Mary Jane and Peter dance, completely ignoring the fact that Peter domestically abused Mary Jane because we are out of time.

Spider-Man 3 is a mess. We have dark Peter done bad, Mary Jane Watson/Kirsten Dunst should’ve been handled differently, damsel-in-distress Gwen Stacy, high James Franco, too many plotlines, miscast and badly written Venom and too many weird moments with Peter/Tobey Maguire.

Charity Spotlight: Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine

This organization is devoted to bringing ethics to medicine.

Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine Website:

https://www.pcrm.org/

My Ko-Fi: 

ko-fi.com/snarkymovierobot